The Triple "T" Plan

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Are you aware of the Triple "T" Plan  for African Americans?

Baobab Tree of Life

It's my recommended approach to life for all black folks living in America, particularly you elders. Let's ensure that our people live long and prosper.
 
My Triple "T" Plan  is very simple. It's one that every African American, regardless or age or circumstances,  can implement with ease. You may be among the few who do it already, but perhaps not in a deliberate, consistent, and organized way. This plan gives you a way to help our people, especially those in your circle of family and friends. More importantly, it will greatly benefit our youth who live in a society that works against them and their success.

Each step in the plan is important, and each is necessary for your successful implementation. There are two prequisites: 1. Love your children, and 2. Be a positive role model.

Love your child(ren). This is essential. You absolutely must love your child and affectiionately demonstrate that them. No child, including yours, ever asked to be born. No matter how you feel about the person with whom you bore the child, do nurture him to develop positive self-esteem and self confidence. 

Your tone of voice, body language, and actions must reflect heartfelt love for your child. Maintain a loving home environment that gives your child that sense of security, safety, and caring. Peace and harmony in the home give a child the ability to concentrate and to a place to enjoy his family. Demonstrated love is the key to successful implementation of the Triple "T" Plan. Without it, there is no guarantee that your child will become the adult you want him/her to be. 

Be a positive role model. The adage, "Do as I say, not as I do", is a hollow request. In today's social media world, that doesn't cut it. Get rid of your bad habits. Replace them with better ones. Check your attitude: If you are negative,  judgmental, always criticizing and complaining, or you're constantly putting people down, STOP. If criticize your children and call them negative names, STOP. In order for them to have the strength and stamina of our ancestors, they need a positive sense of self and empowering self-confidence to face the world without fear. 

 The Triple "T" Plan 
~TELL YOUR STORY~
~TEACH OUR CHILDREN~
~TAKE ACTION~  

1. TELL Your Story.

 Be a positive role model.

• If you yell and curse all the time, STOP. Children mimic what you say and how you act.



Baobab Tree of Life




• DO  consistently speak and behave the way you want your child.

• If you discipline children when you're angry and become abusive, STOP. Calm down and find a better way to deal with your child. 
• DO explain the reason for the discipline and your expectations for his future behavior. 

• If you abuse alcohol and illegal or legal substances, STOP. Get control of yourself. These addictions destroy your brain over time. Face your demons. Go into rehabilitation. Do whatever it takes. Bottom line: Clean up your act. Whatever the reason for your addiction, rather than crying the blues and blaming others for your condition, seek help.
• If you discuss adult matters with children in the room, STOP. Be aware of the impact these conversations have on children. Either don't do it, or send the children out of earshot so they can't hear what you're saying. Adult conversations, are not for children. That goes for telephone conversations too.

This first "T", is critical to giving your child a positive sense of self and a sense of belonging to a family group. Let your child know that s/he is special and precious to you by your words and actions.  

Tell all the children in your family, and those in your circle of friends, that you love them. Be sure to treat them with the love you feel.

Tell your story and the story of your family. 

Tell them how important they are to you and to your family. Let them know the good accomplishments, and let them know your expectations for their success.  

Become a griot. A griot African tribal storyteller. The griot's role was to preserve the genealogies and oral traditions of the tribe. The griot as cultural guardian is still maintained. In Senegal, for example, the griot—without resorting to fantasy—recites poems or tells stories of warriors, drawing on his own sources of inspiration. 

Your personal history and the family's history are not only interesting, they are informative and most importantly, they are your legacy. By nature, many of our people are great storytellers. Every African American family has griots. Storytelling is an important tradition we inherited from our ancestors in the motherland and in this country. 

Reminisce about your childhood and school days. Talk about your neighborhood, the fun you had, the games you played, and other  happy experiences that may seem ordinary and unimportant to you, but they will fascinate young people. It will also instill a sense of pride in them as well as a sense of belonging. Some of the best times to share your life experiences is during a family meal, at the family reunion, on vacation, or even while driving along in the car. What do you want to be remembered for?  

Tell them about your dreams and aspirations. If you don't have any, then think about how to improve your life, and create dreams. Set goals for yourself and for your family. Always remember to pass your family's story on to the next generations.

2. TEACH Your Children and Your Grandchildren

The second "T" is Teach.  Like it or not, you are responsiible for the character and behavior of your children from the day they are born. You are they're first role model and their first introduction to learning.

Teach them about their role in your family, in your community, and in society. The principles of Kwanzaa are great for teaching and demonstrating how to be a positive force in the world as African Americans. 

Teach them that they have a responsibility to be a positive example of your family; instill family pride in your children. The contribution(s) for a better world lies in your children's hands. Encourage them to be the best; because their future is in their hands, and promote their success. 

 Teach them to reach for the stars. Let them know that as the next generation(s) their importance in the family and in society is immeasurable. Explain their roles as positive forces in your family. 

Teach them how to be safe, and have "The Talk"with every young person in your family, especially your pre-adolescent and teenage males. With with proper preparation and strong self confidence, they will be able to handle themselves appropriately without fear. Help them to grow into becoming courageous, responsible adults.   Jessie Washington explains this "black male code". 

Teach them your family's customs and traditions. If you don't have any, create your own. Share those delicious family recipes; and while doing so, there are probably fun stories about a meal or event that will come to mind. Share them. 

Teach them about African American culture and traditions.  Celebrate Kwanzaa and all its principles.

3. TAKE Action!

The third "T" is Take action. It is useless and unproductive to sit around complaining about the plight of African Americans in these United States of America.  

No one is holding you back, but you. 

Take responsibility for your decisions and your choices. It's time to DO SOMETHING, no matter how small. Doing nothing is a choice. It is a decision that you've made. End the blame game.  The people holding you back are you, yourself, and yours. The "man" and "they" have no power over you, unless you give it to them.  

Take steps to prevent your son or daughter from being dragged into the school to prison pipeline of failure. This has become a systemic problem. Find out about charter schools and how they will or will not educate your children for success.

Take control of your family and of your life. Get rid of your bad habits, and replace them with better ones. Children mimic what they see and hear. Be the best example that you can be. Beat the odds that are geared to failure. 

Take responsibility for your child's growth, development, and education. Get involved from the day your child is born. Help them to read. Be involved in the daycare centers and the schools. Drop by unexpectedly sometimes. You'll get a clearer picture of what goes on in your child's school or center. You are responsible for ensuring that your child receives a good education. Yes, this requires sacrifice. Waiting until your kids are in their teens is too late. Keep in mind, no child asked to be born. That was your decision. 

Take the time to be a full-time parent. It's a 24/7 job. If you don't, someone else will, and  negative influences will take hold. When that happens your child will become another negative statistic. Black children are being programmed to fail. Right now, at this very moment, our kids are at risk of failing in life. Is that what you want?

Directive to African American Seniors: You, as an individual, can make a difference.

Each one, teach one.
Each one, reach one.

Here are a couple of suggestions for elders:

1. Join a group that supports positive activity for our youth. Become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for children. About Us - CASA for Children - National CASA - CASA for Childrenvolunteers  Everyone can do something to help our kids, especially you elders. One elder, Frankye Hull of South Carolina's GAL CASA program, finds great reward in her work. http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/b.5480477/k.99AA/Frankye_Hull.htm  Find out how to get involved in your city:  CASA 
2. Volunteer to be a Big Brother or Big Sister 
3. Check out the Boys and Girls Clubs of America . Find a Boys and Girls Club near you and volunteer. They need you.. Mentor a kid. They need you, too. Read Mona's Story and take a tour of a Club.

 SAVE OUR CHILDREN TODAY.

START NOW.

If you agree and want to help, send this to everyone you know, and become a regular subscriber to African American Seniors' Wisdom.

Thanks

Dad, You're Needed

Honoring Fathers - Part 2

Alexander Whitaker III - My Father

Father's Day is June 15, 2014. Remember them in your prayers, and talk with them. Whether you know him or not, whether he has passed away or is still living, fathers are important. Without them, none of us would be here. If you are estranged, pray for reconciliation. If your father caused you pain and suffering, put it behind you. In all cases, forgive him. As Jesus said on the cross to His father,

"Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

A couple of years ago, I came across a terrific discussion by Ron Huxley in which he provides insights and recommendations on fatherhood. It still resonates. My brother, sister, and I were raised by our dad. While a mother's hand is very important, a father's influence is also as necessary and decidedly different. A father is a girl's first love. For boys, he is the model they emulate. While he certainly was not perfect, my dad's influence on the three of us was indelible and immeasurable. He passed away 35 years ago this month, and his wise counsel continues to help guide me.

Here is Ron Huxley's article. I hope you will enjoy and appreciate it as much as I did.

The Importance of the Father/Child Bond

By Ron Huxley, LMFT ParentingToolbox.com  22-07-12 
Edited for this post by Rochelle W. Evans, Executive Director, ARS Whitaker Foundation 

One of the most magical moments of my life was being at the birth of my child. I wouldn't

The Evans' - Melvin and daughters Meredith and Monique

have missed it for the world. I remember watching him squirm and cry as he met the world. I remember how he paused to listen to my voice as I whispered my love for him and commitment to him. To this day, spending time with my kids continues to be one of my favorite activities. To not spend time with my children is unfathomable.

The Whitakers - Renard and daughter

For many fathers, this isn't the case. They sit in hospital waiting rooms, clapping each other on the back and congratulating one another on a job well done, while their child enters the world without their father next to them. The day after the delivery, and every day after, are filled with missed opportunities to bond with their child, and influence the directions they will take in life. They rationalize that they are sacrificing for their family by working long hours, and justify their emotional distance as modeling how to survive in the "cold, cruel world." Food on the table and a roof over head is nice, but nothing makes up for loving, nurturing relationships with one's father. (Note: Today, in most hospitals, dads are permitted to be in the rooms when baby arrives, and may stay overnight. They are also encouraged to hold the newest member of the family.)

The McCullens - Michael, Theresa and granddaughtes

How do fathers build this bond? What barriers stand in the way? And, what are some practical tools to help fathers strengthen their children intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically? To help me answer these questions, I asked for advice from dads who have a close bond with their children. How do I know they have a close bond? I asked their wives! 

The Whitakers
Phillip and son Jordan

How do you bond with your child?

In response to this question, all of the fathers answered alike. They stated that the best way to bond was simply to spend time with a child. What you do is not as important as doing something.
 
They divided activities up into four main areas:

       1. Physical  2. Intellectual  3. Social  4. Spiritual

The Newsomes
Chauncey and son Elijah

A balance of these four areas would result in a child having a happier, healthier life.  
1. Physical activities are the most familiar to fathers and include working around the house together, sharing a hobby, coaching an athletic team, exercising together, and going places together.  
2. Intellectual activities focus on being involved in a child's academics, participating in school related activities, encouraging hard work, and modeling yourself as a their primary teacher of life.  

The Whitakers and the Martins - Uncle Gerald with nephews and niece

3. Social activities centered on talking with children, sharing feelings and thoughts, demonstrating appropriate affection and manners, and getting to know your child's friends. 4. Spiritual activities are used the least by dads, but have the most power to influence a child. These activities incorporate reading spiritual stories together, going to church or the synagogue, praying with children, establishing rules and order, being consistent and available, and exploring the mysteries of nature.

What is the difference between the father/child bond and the mother/child bond?

The Whitakers
Alexander V and sons Alexander VI, Baby Benjamin,
and wife Casey

 

It was quickly apparent from the surveys that dads have a different approach or style to bonding than moms have. Dads have a more rough and tumble approach to physical interaction or may spend time in more physical activities such as play or working on a project together.                 

•  Competition was also seen more in father/child bonding and was considered healthy if used in small doses and with sensitivity to a child's temperament and abilities.                                                             

•  Sportsmanship, but not necessary sports activities, was regarded as an essential ingredient in the development of a child's character. While the approach may  differ, the need for bonding with mom and dad is equally significant. One dad joked that other than a couple of biological differences (e.g., giving birth or breastfeeding) he couldn't see one as more important than the other.

  What barriers prevent fathers from achieving a bond with their child?

The Jeffersons
Russell and son Russell
Von and son Von
Dad David, father of all  

The Whitakers - Alexander IV and son Phillip

All of the fathers agreed that work and the mismanagement of time were the biggest robbers of relationships with children. No one discounted a father's responsibility to provide for his family, but all of them maintained that a healthy balance is needed between work and family. They felt that society makes it easy to use one's career or job as an escape. Social influences tend to value the bond a child has with mom to be more important than with dad. But none of the dads questioned felt this barrier to be insurmountable.

Eliminating barriers in society begins in the home. Dads must demonstrate that being involved in the home is important to them before society will start treating dads as important to the home. Dads need to take the initiative to change a diaper, clean up after dinner, give the kids their bath, and do the laundry. The collective effect of these "small" acts will ripple out into society to create "bigger" change

The McCullens - Meekaaeel and daughter

Can a father bond with a child if they did not have a father growing up?  

The Stechs - Brad and sons

The entire group affirmed that not having a father would make it more difficult but notimpossible to bond with a child. According to one dad, bonding is more of an innate need or spiritual drive, than simply a learned behavior. Therefore, fatherless fathers are not doomed to repeat their own childhood experiences. Another dad suggested "getting excited" by the little things that make a child excited or happy. Getting down on the child's level, regressing to those early moments in life when you were a child, and sharing simple pleasures with your child will foster the bonding missed the first time around.

The Newsomes
Chauncey and daughter Malaika,
wife Monique, and son Elijah

In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and a child is an important one. Barriers, such as social values and absent fathers make bonding with children difficult, but not impossible. Children need the unique style of bonding that fathers can provide, and fathers can build that bond by spending time engaging in physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual activities. 

The Whitakers - Shawn and son

                    




HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
  

Thank you Mr. Huxley for sharing,  and thanks to all your contributors.
 Acknowledgements from Ron Huxley

Special thanks to the following web sites who volunteered their husbands or who contributed information for this article:
http://www.everythingforparents.com
http://www.womanlinks.com
http://four-fold.homepage.com/
http://www.fathersworld.com/

Always remember our past and our ancestors.

 Lest we forget...

Always Remember Our Past and Our Ancesters.

7

For tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today.

-African proverb-

HARLEM

By Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it says

Like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

I, Too

By Langston Hughes

I, too sing America.

I am the darker brother.

They send me to eat in the kitchen

When company comes,

But I laugh,

And eat well,

And grow strong.

Tomorrow, 

I'll be at the table

When company comes

Nobody's dare say to me,

"Eat in the kitchen,"

Then.

Besides,

They'll see how beautiful I am

And be ashamed--

I, too, am America.

A Fatherless Son's Story

Honoring Fathers- Part 1

One Man's Journey

My Dad

Ron Gilliam and Sons and Grandsons

My “dad” started out as a Redcap for the New York Central railroad-a redcap was a baggage handler or waiter.  Shortly after I was conceived he exited from my mom’s life, never to return.   He eventually went on to become vice-president of the largest Black insurance company in the world.  Along that journey he re-married, fathered another son , educating him well, sending him to a private boarding school, then to Yale, and finally on to the University of Michigan where he obtained his master’s degree, after which he too became an executive with his father’s firm.  “Dad” once told him that he had a brother living in upstate NY, but there was never a follow-up.  (My brother, having become a very successful businessman, eventually became owner of a radio station, turning it into one of the most popular gospel stations in the south.) 

Life without a father

In the meantime my mom and I struggled, living in an apartment with no hot running water nor indoor toilet or bath.  (They were in the outside unheated hallway.) The apartment was heated with kerosene stoves—the kerosene purchased in 5 gallon cans from the gas station up the street.  As a ten year old it was no easy chore having to carry 2 cans at a time, especially with two feet of snow on the ground. 

As I approached manhood I passed the time going to school, playing semi-pro baseball, amateur softball and basketball.  College almost became an obsession, until I realized it was not a probability.  No one from our neighborhood went to college except World War II veterans on the GI bill.  Ironically it was around that time that “dad”, who was a pillar in his community, sat on the board of trustees of a well-known HBCU (historically black college/university).  (Years later I did attend college which eventually led to careers in sales and marketing management, job development, college recruitment  and teaching.) 

                                              I created my own model of a father.

My alternative to college was marriage, for which I have no regrets, other than the fact that not going to college temporarily limited my future options.  This was long before Pell Grants and student loans were accessible.  The arrival of my first born forced me to come to the reality that I was now a father, and inasmuch as my village wasn’t into raising children, I was forced to design my own model.  (My mother’s second marriage of 2 years ended in physical disaster.)  

Father and Husband-My Definition

First I had to define what I thought a father should be and here’s what I came up with:

One who provides a secure roof, food and clothing to their best ability.  One who is willing to listen and offer advice.  One who would play ball with his children, attend recitals and ball games.  And spend time vacationing as a family, when possible.  One who could be a role model to both his sons and daughters, and one who loved and respected his wife—which could lead to another essay.  While far from perfect, a serious attempt was made.  

To summarize let me say that in spite of the fact that some of us may not have been blessed with fathers in the home, we do not have to be burdened with the task of trying to determine what a father should be.  We simply ask ourselves how we would have liked to have been treated if we had had a dad, then we’ve found your answer.

I share this only to show that one doesn’t necessarily need that physical role model to effectively impact on the lives of our families.  Coming from a two parent family is of course the ultimate, however 70% of us don’t share that experience, therefore it’s important to know that we can design our own concept of fatherhood, developed from a model that we create, rather than from those “role models” created by the media and others who do not have our best interests at heart.

Note:    Ron met his brother for the first time in 2007.

Ron Gilliam lives in Decatur, Georgia with his wife, Gloria of 59 years.  They are the proud parents of 2 sons and 3 daughters (all college graduates), 20 grandchildren: 15 either attending or graduated from college (11 boys, 9 girls), and 2 great granddaughters. 

The Other Side of the Coin: Two sons, same father, different lives

Ron’s brother, Art Gilliam, has written a book about his life. Here's an excerpt.  

Introduction to “One America: Moving Beyond the Issue of Race”

Art Gilliam
The other son

I was barely old enough to ride the bus alone. I was riding to Bethlehem Center, which was run by a few white Quakers who had come to the South to teach us arts and crafts. The center was in the neighborhood next to mine, but it was a long walk, so I was taking the bus. I was so proud that Mother was letting me ride the bus alone that day. She knew I wouldn’t encounter any local white people, because I didn’t have to ride far enough to go through any white neighborhoods where they would begin boarding the bus. Sadly, and by design, Negroes, as we were called in the 1950’s, had to ride the bus behind any white passengers who got on. That’s what the sign said at the front of the bus. But the bus route began in our all-Negro neighborhood, so on this day I would not encounter any white people, and there would be no problems.

I remember that short bus ride in Memphis, my home town. It was a few years before Rosa Parks refused to sit in the back of a Montgomery, Alabama bus and triggered a bus boycott by Negroes, which was the initial incident that brought that boycott’s leader, Martin Luther King, to the nation’s attention. But that would all come later. At this time, I was only thinking about the arts and crafts awaiting me at Bethlehem Center and how proud I was that my mom trusted me to ride the bus alone. It meant I was a “big boy”! 

If I had written a book proposal back then about what happened to that 

boy, it would have had the most improbable of story lines. He would leave the segregated South at thirteen to attend a nearly all-white New England prep school and seven years later would graduate from Yale University. He would earn a master’s degree in actuarial science and go on later to buy a radio station in Memphis. Eventually, he would marry a white girl living in

Copenhagen, Denmark and together in Memphis they would watch a fellow named Barack Hussein Obama, who has an African father and a white American mother, be sworn in as President of the United States. Even the most liberal of book proposal reviewers would have relegated that one to the fantasy land bin. That is, if the script and author made it past the nearest insane asylum, assuming the author was not lynched before having the opportunity to be committed. Yet here we are only a few decades later, and the story is in the category of nonfiction. I suppose it would be fair to say this could only happen in America.  Yet on the way to this “only in America” ending are some very ugly stories that also happened in America. It is all part of life here and maybe everywhere really. We have our triumphs. We have our disillusionments. We have our challenges still to be met. 

The story does not begin on that Memphis, Tennessee bus. It begins a little earlier, when I didn’t even know I was a Negro. I was just a little boy with no awareness of race. Do you remember a time when you had no awareness of race? What an uncomplicated world! At some point life changes all of that. For now though, let’s go back to that age of innocence where there was no race, to a place where for me life was happy and simple – in Mama’s kitchen begging for a johnnycake.  Read more about Ron's brother.