Dad, You're Needed

Honoring Fathers - Part 2

Alexander Whitaker III - My Father

Father's Day is June 15, 2014. Remember them in your prayers, and talk with them. Whether you know him or not, whether he has passed away or is still living, fathers are important. Without them, none of us would be here. If you are estranged, pray for reconciliation. If your father caused you pain and suffering, put it behind you. In all cases, forgive him. As Jesus said on the cross to His father,

"Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

A couple of years ago, I came across a terrific discussion by Ron Huxley in which he provides insights and recommendations on fatherhood. It still resonates. My brother, sister, and I were raised by our dad. While a mother's hand is very important, a father's influence is also as necessary and decidedly different. A father is a girl's first love. For boys, he is the model they emulate. While he certainly was not perfect, my dad's influence on the three of us was indelible and immeasurable. He passed away 35 years ago this month, and his wise counsel continues to help guide me.

Here is Ron Huxley's article. I hope you will enjoy and appreciate it as much as I did.

The Importance of the Father/Child Bond

By Ron Huxley, LMFT ParentingToolbox.com  22-07-12 
Edited for this post by Rochelle W. Evans, Executive Director, ARS Whitaker Foundation 

One of the most magical moments of my life was being at the birth of my child. I wouldn't

The Evans' - Melvin and daughters Meredith and Monique

have missed it for the world. I remember watching him squirm and cry as he met the world. I remember how he paused to listen to my voice as I whispered my love for him and commitment to him. To this day, spending time with my kids continues to be one of my favorite activities. To not spend time with my children is unfathomable.

The Whitakers - Renard and daughter

For many fathers, this isn't the case. They sit in hospital waiting rooms, clapping each other on the back and congratulating one another on a job well done, while their child enters the world without their father next to them. The day after the delivery, and every day after, are filled with missed opportunities to bond with their child, and influence the directions they will take in life. They rationalize that they are sacrificing for their family by working long hours, and justify their emotional distance as modeling how to survive in the "cold, cruel world." Food on the table and a roof over head is nice, but nothing makes up for loving, nurturing relationships with one's father. (Note: Today, in most hospitals, dads are permitted to be in the rooms when baby arrives, and may stay overnight. They are also encouraged to hold the newest member of the family.)

The McCullens - Michael, Theresa and granddaughtes

How do fathers build this bond? What barriers stand in the way? And, what are some practical tools to help fathers strengthen their children intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically? To help me answer these questions, I asked for advice from dads who have a close bond with their children. How do I know they have a close bond? I asked their wives! 

The Whitakers
Phillip and son Jordan

How do you bond with your child?

In response to this question, all of the fathers answered alike. They stated that the best way to bond was simply to spend time with a child. What you do is not as important as doing something.
 
They divided activities up into four main areas:

       1. Physical  2. Intellectual  3. Social  4. Spiritual

The Newsomes
Chauncey and son Elijah

A balance of these four areas would result in a child having a happier, healthier life.  
1. Physical activities are the most familiar to fathers and include working around the house together, sharing a hobby, coaching an athletic team, exercising together, and going places together.  
2. Intellectual activities focus on being involved in a child's academics, participating in school related activities, encouraging hard work, and modeling yourself as a their primary teacher of life.  

The Whitakers and the Martins - Uncle Gerald with nephews and niece

3. Social activities centered on talking with children, sharing feelings and thoughts, demonstrating appropriate affection and manners, and getting to know your child's friends. 4. Spiritual activities are used the least by dads, but have the most power to influence a child. These activities incorporate reading spiritual stories together, going to church or the synagogue, praying with children, establishing rules and order, being consistent and available, and exploring the mysteries of nature.

What is the difference between the father/child bond and the mother/child bond?

The Whitakers
Alexander V and sons Alexander VI, Baby Benjamin,
and wife Casey

 

It was quickly apparent from the surveys that dads have a different approach or style to bonding than moms have. Dads have a more rough and tumble approach to physical interaction or may spend time in more physical activities such as play or working on a project together.                 

•  Competition was also seen more in father/child bonding and was considered healthy if used in small doses and with sensitivity to a child's temperament and abilities.                                                             

•  Sportsmanship, but not necessary sports activities, was regarded as an essential ingredient in the development of a child's character. While the approach may  differ, the need for bonding with mom and dad is equally significant. One dad joked that other than a couple of biological differences (e.g., giving birth or breastfeeding) he couldn't see one as more important than the other.

  What barriers prevent fathers from achieving a bond with their child?

The Jeffersons
Russell and son Russell
Von and son Von
Dad David, father of all  

The Whitakers - Alexander IV and son Phillip

All of the fathers agreed that work and the mismanagement of time were the biggest robbers of relationships with children. No one discounted a father's responsibility to provide for his family, but all of them maintained that a healthy balance is needed between work and family. They felt that society makes it easy to use one's career or job as an escape. Social influences tend to value the bond a child has with mom to be more important than with dad. But none of the dads questioned felt this barrier to be insurmountable.

Eliminating barriers in society begins in the home. Dads must demonstrate that being involved in the home is important to them before society will start treating dads as important to the home. Dads need to take the initiative to change a diaper, clean up after dinner, give the kids their bath, and do the laundry. The collective effect of these "small" acts will ripple out into society to create "bigger" change

The McCullens - Meekaaeel and daughter

Can a father bond with a child if they did not have a father growing up?  

The Stechs - Brad and sons

The entire group affirmed that not having a father would make it more difficult but notimpossible to bond with a child. According to one dad, bonding is more of an innate need or spiritual drive, than simply a learned behavior. Therefore, fatherless fathers are not doomed to repeat their own childhood experiences. Another dad suggested "getting excited" by the little things that make a child excited or happy. Getting down on the child's level, regressing to those early moments in life when you were a child, and sharing simple pleasures with your child will foster the bonding missed the first time around.

The Newsomes
Chauncey and daughter Malaika,
wife Monique, and son Elijah

In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and a child is an important one. Barriers, such as social values and absent fathers make bonding with children difficult, but not impossible. Children need the unique style of bonding that fathers can provide, and fathers can build that bond by spending time engaging in physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual activities. 

The Whitakers - Shawn and son

                    




HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
  

Thank you Mr. Huxley for sharing,  and thanks to all your contributors.
 Acknowledgements from Ron Huxley

Special thanks to the following web sites who volunteered their husbands or who contributed information for this article:
http://www.everythingforparents.com
http://www.womanlinks.com
http://four-fold.homepage.com/
http://www.fathersworld.com/